How to be Chill: Partly Sunny with a Chance of Tsunami
I used to rant and rave.
Honestly, I can still go on a tirade. There is stuff that offends me. And, there is stuff that makes me throw up a little.
Maybe it is because I am getting older, but I don’t get as crazed as I used to.
Perhaps it is just a season, a season of chill.
But I would like to believe, this is me, the original Sunshine-Rain, completely made new.
Granted, I only recently came out of a very sad season. However, it was a legit sad season, so I wasn’t just a little mopey. I was in the throes of perceptible grief, and grief is an essential part of any loss.
This too is part of the chill lifestyle I have embraced. Instead of “just getting over it,” I went through it. I suffered like a boss. Truly, I gave every single part of myself to the dark places. Not to wallow in misery, but to revel in the memory, recover from the trauma, and rest in the arms of my Heavenly Father, who fully knows exactly how I roll.
Recently, my 19-year-old son, Luke, took a personality test.
For several days after he seemed a little out of sorts. When I confronted him, he confessed he had been distressed by the results. We talked a little, but for the most part, I knew he needed some space to contemplate the results.
In classic Luke fashion, he dove into the process head first. He reached out to professionals, and a popular podcaster, who voluntarily phoned Luke to discuss the results. I don’t regret my past, (well, that much,) but I wish I had been a little more like Luke when I was 19.
If memory serves, I was always accused of being “too much,” or “not enough.”
No, I was not abused or neglected, but, and I know this will shock you, I have an intense personality. Other’s opinions of me impacted me deeply. I tried, tirelessly to conform and be someone other than who I was created to be.
After Luke completed his research, he confessed to me several of the results that didn’t sit well with him. I argued, “that’s not true!” And Luke countered, “Yes, it is mom. It is true. I have that tendency. But, knowing I have that tendency and that I don’t like it, I can modify and react differently.”
Yeah, 19 going on 40.
In the same conversation, he said, “Shouldn’t I have purchased a house by now?”
Well yes, son! By all means! Most 19-year-olds have 30-year mortgages before they are legally able to buy beer.
The thing I witnessed in this process with my son, the thing that I coveted, was the fresh eyes by which he not only investigated who he is, but then accepted the truth, and formulated a plan to grow in it.
This, to me, is what is missing in so many human beings, swimming upstream trying to be something they aren’t, someone they wish they were, instead of embracing that which was born in them.
And this was me.
Truly, believing I was not enough, and way too much, and trying desperately to fane a different persona, drove a wedge between me and humanity… and me and my Jesus.This, to me, is what is missing in so many human beings, swimming upstream trying to be something they aren’t, someone they wish they were, instead of embracing that which was born in them.Click To Tweet
When I was trying to be different, I was not authentic. And when I was not authentic, relationships were not genuine. Consequently, those relationships were destined to fail. Then, I added those failures to the belief I was a failure, at being the someone I wasn’t and wished that I was.
Please know, I know, that was a Grammatical train wreck.
But hopefully, you get the gist.
So here I am, 47-years-old, and I am just getting to this place where I am most happy with who I am.
This place of chill has become my sanctuary.
Recently I received an ugly email from someone who said I should be using my platform to bring attention to agendas this person felt were going to be the downfall of America. The email was harsh and wrought with criticism. I won’t pretend it doesn’t hurt my feelings to be criticized, reprimanded, or rejected.
Yes, it hurts my feelings.
But I took a few moments alone on my closet floor and read through it slowly. I talked out loud to Jesus about the indictments.
And I may not be “using my platform” to foster world peace or end sex trafficking, but for the first time in my life, I am doing what I was created to do. And I am doing it in full frontal Jami mode.
To this end, I propose a chill life is a life where someone can verbally assault you, and you can look at yourself and check the boxes that are true and reject the ones that are not. I fully believe this comes from understanding yourself, and most importantly, the One who created you.
Sunshine-Rain was the personality trait that was all or nothing. Ecstatic or destroyed. And yes, when I am happy, I am very happy. Definitely, when I am sad, I am very sad. However, I do have a middle ground. A safe place, where I rest well in the arms of a God, who loved me unto His death.
The greatest credit I can take is this: I am worthy of this love.
And, I am forever changed in that love. Not in the “dropped 50 pounds and never lost my temper again,” change, but changed in how I see others. And most importantly, how I see myself. I am a beloved daughter. I was created to be passionate, laugh, cry, rejoice, repent, restore, create, nurture, foster, tell tales, decorate, mother, lose things, run out of gas 2 blocks from a gas station, and start fresh again on Mondays.
To be known and understood, and fully accepted right where I am, all the time, is the greatest change I have seen in being Jami.
I am all in.
Totally invested in being who I was created to be. Like Luke, there are some things about me I still find disagreeable. Obviously, the world will line up to encourage me to get better, wash my face, and pull myself up by my bootstraps, guns a blazing.
But my Father, the one who fashioned me in secret is my whole hope. He is everything, all of the time. The Alpha and Omega. My beginning… all the way to the end.
And Jami says, Glory!
May your floors be sticky and your calling ordained! Love, Jami
Romans 11:29 (AMPC) “For God’s gifts and His call are irrevocable. [He never withdraws them when once they are given, and He does not change His mind about those to whom He gives His grace or to whom He sends His call.
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