Pee First: A Bladder Story
I full-blown peed my pants this week. I wasn’t laughing. And, I didn’t sneeze. No, I just should have taken my own advice. Pee first.
It really isn’t fair. I am basically a fit woman. Granted, I have given birth 4 times, to HUGE headed babies. Then I adopted two more babies. This didn’t directly affect my bladder… I don’t think. However, after my hysterectomy in 2002, I thought things would normalize for me. I actually had endometriosis on my bladder. This caused chronic bladder problems.
And I know that stuff shifts and transfers after a certain age. I got in trouble with my dad the other day for saying that I would be 50 in 18 months. He glared at me as if I told him I was joining a cult. Seriously, he has been here the whole time? I don’t know why he insists on believing I am 17-years-old. Especially since my oldest child is 24.
But, age and birth history aside, I should be able to hold my bladder longer than a 2-year-old.
Especially since I had a $17,000, cash pay reconstructive surgery down south (on my person, not Mexico) in 2011. A few months before that it was discovered I had a prolapsed bladder and bowel. The first surgeon I visited with said I should get the mesh sling surgery. I quickly countered, “Aren’t those being recalled?” To which he said, “yes, but it is covered by insurance and if it doesn’t work out the medical provider will most likely pay for the replacement and cover all your medical expenses.”
Seeing as this man was an OBGYN, had visual confirmation I was a woman, and not a Mitsubishi hatchback, I felt like offering me reassurances in the event my mechanisms were recalled, was insensitive.
I said, “Hard. Pass.” And I would have stormed out in righteous indignation, but I was wearing a paper dress and no pants.
So, I went to a “Women’s Intimate Reconstruction Specialist.”
Yes, this a thing. They use existing muscles to rebuild all that has gone further south than the south originally originated.
After the surgery, she asked me if I wanted to see my results. She stood there with a handheld mirror. You know like your hairstylist does, swinging your chair around to show you the back of your head?
Maybe that seems silly. But I know the back of my head only looks that good after my stylist cuts and blow-dries my hair. I only ever see the back of my head when I have been to the salon. And I figured, “maybe if I have to come back for a touch up”, but I think I am good just letting this be.
I still don’t know exactly what went on down there. But as her too-chipper nurse wheeled me to the car, attached to a catheter and a happy juice IV, she said, “Congratulations! Your whole life will be better in just a few short weeks.”
Followed by, “Come back in two days and then we will see if you can pee!”
I couldn’t.Pee First: A Bladder Story Click To Tweet
And truly, what kind of promise is “Your WHOLE LIFE will be better in just a few short weeks!”?
If I wasn’t hopped up on morphine I would have asked her.
As a matter of fact, if I could hunt her down, I might inquire. Because that surgery did nothing for my general life struggles. I still ran out of milk, bread, and Cheetos on the regular. Six weeks later when I was cleared to drive, I was still driving a WHITE 12 passenger van, like I was the administrator of a deranged half-way house. I still had split ends, chin acne, and had to cook dinner.
My WHOLE life, was basically the same, except for this unseen thing that held its own, except when jumping on a trampoline, which rarely, if ever happened, and couldn’t be recalled in the event of manufacturer errors.
Not to mention the fact, what if the manufacturer didn’t guarantee the malfunction because of user error? You think I am kidding, but I have heard that story from an actual woman who was blamed for the misuse of the mesh sling.
I didn’t want to know, so I didn’t ask.
And for the better part of 24 years, I have said the words “Pee first,” at least 10 times a day.
“Kids, we are leaving for church in 10 minutes! Everyone Pee first!”
“You can get back in the pool, pee first.”
“Before the hostess seats us let’s all pee first!”
This is always followed by the inevitable mom routine, “Did you wash your hands?”
Bodily functions are not my normal writing style. I mean, hasn’t it all been said? Certainly, I know that you know that none of us have had a moment to pee alone since the first time we ever peed on a stick and saw the double blue lines… or were they pink?
I don’t remember.
And the thing is, I knew my eyesight would go sometime after 40. It is a right of passage. As if our eyes are like, “Okay Missy, I think you have seen enough, I am done here.” But I am baffled by the female anatomy and the suffrage associated with it.
It seems as though we are really rallying the troops. The #metoo movement has worked its hardest to FINALLY move toward the unwanted gropings and inappropriateness so many of us have had to stomach for way too long. And I can see myself, being called to stage to speak on empowering women! My life’s blood, but wait, I have to pee first.
So just when things start to look so promising, just when women are being heard and breaking their silence, my bladder is catching up with my eyes.
“Okay Missy, I have done all I can here. You are going to need a diaper. Also, pee first.”
As a mom of children aged 24 to 6, I still find myself saying “pee first!” Unfortunately, I am usually saying it to myself like a crazy person. “Running to the store! Wait, I gotta pee first!”
And really, I am a private person. We are a closed-door family, probably more modest than most. Of course, modesty is a sliding scale with two little boys in the house. Recently the 6 and 8-year-old threw a fit because I came into the bathroom while they were showering. They protested that they were too old for me to see them “maked.”
20 minutes later they were standing in the kitchen buck “maked” eating Chips-a-hoy cookies.
Maybe they are just too old for me to see them washing their hair?
I digress, The other trouble is this whole wellness idea that we should all be drinking TONS of water in order to prevent disease and maintain a “healthy” weight. This has always been one thing I could pay homage too. If the human body is made of 60% water, it seems like common sense we should drink some. But if I drink the recommended amount, more than likely, I am going to meet my Fitbit requirements by noon, running back and forth to the bathroom.
I do not subscribe to the idea that women are the weaker sex. Let me see a man push a human being from a tiny orifice on his person. But I think women are the more afflicted sex. Stuff prolapses, falls out, and gives up, long before the mind.
And that is when you find yourself standing in the kitchen, making a salad, realizing it would have been a good idea to pee first.
Truly, I wish there was a point to all of this. I hate to be one of those bloggers who just rants to hear herself talk, but seeing as I can’t leave the house, my cyber friends have become my only friends.
Maybe this was just a plea for a #peefirst movement, a camaraderie among the over forty, pregnant, postpartum, and leaking gals. Those of us who know that we aren’t going to be doing Kegels at every red light.
Not because we are lazy, but because, darn it if we just forget.
And truth be told, while any muscle-building routine is usually a good idea, unlike men, our lady parts, when not prolapsed, leaking, or being punched internally by a “tiny” growing human, don’t require or call attention to themselves at red lights. We aren’t thinking about them… until they stop holding their own.
I guess I feel a little better. And, when you chime in, I will feel less alone. I will read the comments, but I have to pee first.
Jesus be all over you.
Speaking of bladders. Unfortunately, I still have struggled with chronic bladder infections. I became aware of a product Goodbye UTI and started adding it to my morning glass of water and went several months without an infection. Recently, I ran out and thought, “Meh, maybe I just don’t get UTIs anymore.” Yeah, that wasn’t it. I am not being paid to tell you this. This is me telling you, this stuff really works. So, I reached out to them and they are offering my readers 20% off today (February 25-April 25, 2020.) By following this link or coupon code JAMISENTME. My sister recently had a bladder infection and I took her some… instant relief. It is crazy good. There are tons of helpful articles on their site. And, personally, it is forever going into my first glass of water. Obviously, I have enough problems without having chronic bladder infections too. GO GET SOME.
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