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Jami For the Record, Life Musings

A Good Girl’s Guide to a New Year:  First, Take a Shower

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A Good Girl’s Guide to a New Year:  First, Take a Shower

Let me start by saying, I am not one of those whiney moms, drunk in my closet.  Truly, I rarely drink.  As a matter of fact, I don’t think I have had a glass of water in 28 days.

That’s not entirely accurate.  I have completely lost track of time, for all I know the last time I had a drink of anything was months ago.

This is extremely unusual for me.  I love order.  In fact, I crave order.  And yet, everything is completely out of control.  Chaos, in all its absurdity, is my new best friend.

 I am bewildered at how this came to be.

2018 was a blur of moving out of a haunted mansion, into a little house on the corner, the Marine baby deploying, married babies moving – twice, school plays, teacher meetings, book launch, interviews, takeout food, starting a small business, manic behaviors, and the harsh landing in a season of grief and depression.

And please, I don’t say that for pity’s sake.  I have been an advocate of women honestly confessing what they feel, and I stand by that belief.  For too long we, Christian women that is, have been convinced that a blip on the joy meter meant we were doing something wrong.

I believe this is one of the greatest lies of religiosity.

So I will truthfully profess, I did the grief and depression thing with great precision.

If I had been fishing, I’d have gotten a trophy.  And if this were the Olympics… gold my friend.

And when the clouds began to lift, I thought, “oh wow, that was really bad.”  And when they came back, I thought, “oh crap, this is still really bad.”  But I sat with that, I talked out loud to Jesus, and lamented my hurts, dashed hopes, and real loses that, frankly, I had swept under the rug.

Metaphorically, I totally cannot find the dustpan.  I have a monster dust pile in the kitchen, and alas no rug.

But I must say, I don’t think I am alone.  The memes on social media all lend to this phenomenon of time warp.

It’s like daylight savings time on crack.

Tuesday, I thought it was Sunday.  November, I thought it was June.  I am late everywhere I go, which, oh my gosh, is totally not my thing.  The last week of school before Christmas break, I sent my two young sons, the vandals, to school for their Christmas parties, wrapped books in hand – to a friend, from a friend, cookies tucked in their backpacks… two days late.

I can’t.  I will talk about that some other time.

And a few days ago, I dated a check with the year 1998, which is ironic because I think that was the last time it was necessary to even write a check.  I was about to put a stamp on an envelope, seriously, I almost licked it.  When did stamp licking go out?  Like 20 years ago?

So, this morning was the icing on the cake.  I slept later than I usually do, but my phone was dead, so I wasn’t exactly sure what time it was.  I started tinkering with a piece of jewelry I have been crafting for my Etsy shop and the vandals would not stop nagging me for food.  Braless, in my jammies and raincoat I stormed out of the house to get them donuts.

To my utter shock, the donut place was closed.

I hit the button on my car radio, which I thought was referencing an AM station only to learn it was not 1230 AM radio, but 12:30 PM… in the afternoon.


I definitely owed the two malnourished boys an apology… and at least two Happy Meals, each.

Defeated, I ate French fries out of the bag and sobbed all the way home.  I stayed in my pajamas and glared at my New Year, 2019 journal.  Sometimes I spat at it and told it how much I hated it, out loud mind you, and the blank pages it held.

Because I cannot promise anyone anything, not even myself.  And, I cannot fathom what exactly to do next.

I stayed in bed.  I made some jewelry.  We ordered pizza for dinner…  at the appropriate hour.

But all day long I knew, not sure of the time, I would end up here, writing to me, you, and the powers that be.

Because… it is okay.

That’s right.  And pipe down Rachel Hollis.  I love you, and I am not washing my face today.

I am not making a resolution today, I didn’t make one yesterday or the night before.  And while this may not be Kosher, I believe it is okay.

If I picked a word for the year, it would be obscene, and I try not to cuss.

I didn’t buy new tennis shoes.

Also, I ate enough sugar for every one of you that gave it up. I’ve got your back.

And perhaps, someone might read this and call me a quitter or Debbie Downer, but I have clung to this all day, “I needn’t start over or be different or new, I am beloved daughter.  Loved on, blessed, and cared for yesterday, today, and again tomorrow.”

I cannot say I loved 2018.

But I can say, I was well loved.

“I needn’t start over or be different or new, I am beloved daughter. Loved on, blessed, and cared for yesterday, today, and again tomorrow.” Click To Tweet

In the pit of despair, we are often encouraged to change.  I propose change is always available, and not always entirely mandatory or urgent.  No matter the date or time, my God can make old things new and remove old things to make way for new.

At this point I will not lie, I have cried many tears today.  But this second day of this new year, third by the time you read this, I weep not for what I failed to do or grieve for broken promises to myself.  This day I weep for things I have let go, legitimate losses, with no rug for which to sweep them under.

And while they have been grievous, they are not wasted… nor are they folly.

Joy may come in the morning, or late afternoon, but there is much hope in knowing it will come in waves of peace.  The lie is that all of it must be done, removed, and moved on from at 12:01 on the first of any year, or 5 am on any given Monday sporting a “Just Do It” t-shirt and sweats.

I don’t want to forget last year or pretend it doesn’t greatly impact this new one.

No, I am better for all the things.

And if last year, for you, was marked by tragedy, disappointment, loss, or sorrow, the stroke of the clock isn’t the gong that determines when you must dry your eyes.

If you are still sad, it doesn’t mean you will always be sad. Nor does it imply you are failing at the year before you.

You may not know the hour, nor the day when the shadow will lift, but the God of Light casts no shadow.  He is most patient.  Greater still, He is most captivated by you, unto His death.

Timeless.

With no beginning and certainly no end, when you are ready to shower and make big plans, He will be there, holding a clean towel, hopefully, a dustpan.

I can hear Him now, “Ready, sweet girl?”

My heart leaps at the thought… “You bet, first thing… tomorrow.” 

Jesus be all over you… And Happy New Year.  Love, Jami

 “And therefore the Lord [earnestly] waits [expecting, looking, and longing] to be gracious to you; and therefore He lifts Himself up, that He may have mercy on you and show loving-kindness to you. For the Lord is a God of justice. Blessed (happy, fortunate, to be envied) are all those who [earnestly] wait for Him, who expect and look and long for Him [for His victory, His favor, His love, His peace, His joy, and His matchless, unbroken companionship]!” Isaiah 30:18 (AMP)

You might also like: Seated at the Right Hand of Surrender: Letting God

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18 Comments

  1. Susie says:

    Thanks for being real. ❤️

  2. Alicia says:

    Beautiful. Thank you. ❤️

  3. Elizabeth says:

    Oh my sweet friend, because i feel like we are friends, I wish i could help, bring a casserole, take the vandals to the park, something. Life can be dark sometimes and we meed people to help show us the light. Showing others the light can sometimes help us see the light too. Hang in there!

  4. Dizzy from spinning, door to window, looking for God to show us the path to follow. Praying 2019 is a year of peace and healing for us. Thanks for the reminder that He does have good plans and He does know the day.

    1. Amen

  5. Sometimes I read something and think, “I could have written those same words.” Sometimes I read something and say, “I wish I could write those same thoughts as well as she did.” This day, you said them in ways I wish I could. You said them in ways I understand and identify with and live. Thank you for your honesty and vulnerability. We must, absolutely must help people understand that we are not failing God just because we fight depression. You did that today. Again, thank you.

    1. God bless you. And thank you. Love, Jami

  6. And just when I was wondering how you were doing…
    Love you

    1. I love you too….

  7. Paula says:

    “And while they have been grievous, they are not wasted… nor are they folly”

    What a comfort these words are today. Most of 2018 for me was spent in a grief-induced fog. I have so many times questioned whether I would ever move past it and what good could come if I did. In my mind I had wasted so much time feeling undone.

    Thank you for sharing. I appreciate your words and openness.

  8. Sandy says:

    Jamie, I am not sure what to say since you “took the words right outta’ my mouth”! I cannot thank you enough for your honest sharing, since yes, all of us are going through something. But your heartfelt sentiments were (and always are) exactly what I needed to hear. Your readers and your beautiful family are blessed to have you in their lives! Because of YOU we have a community, a sisterhood, to help each one of us get through this thing called life so I thank you for that. And with God’s continued grace we WILL survive!

  9. Shirley says:

    Thank you for your honestyand for opening your heart for all of us to see. I think we all have played the game of hide your inner feelings and put on a happy face, so no one will see your weakness. We as women strive to be all things to all people and unfortunately we are the ones that suffer in the end. I have all the best intentions to be the person I need to be, but fall far short of my goal. I am thankful for a loving Father that in spite of my failures love me just as I am, good, bad and everything else. I was truly touched by your story and grateful I am not on this journey alone. Hugs to you and all my sisters out there. May we realize we are perfect just as we are.

  10. Rebecca says:

    I’m reading this on Jan 4 and can whole heartedly say “AMEN!!!!!” It’s the 4th, and I’m still “wrapping up a few things emotionally from 2018”. The 6th is my designated 1st. And….that’s okay. I’m blessed to read this post as confirmation today. Thank you!

  11. Paula Dixon says:

    “And while they have been grevious, they are not wasted, nor are they folly.”
    I needed these words so much. This year has been spent in a grief-induced haze. At times I have felt that the days and weeks were wasted.
    Thank you for sharing.

  12. Glenna McKelvie says:

    The very reason I don’t make new year’s resolutions is, every day we are new creatures in Christ— even days we cannot get out of bed or out of our pj’s! Love!

  13. You are beautiful. And this random sister in Jesus, from someplace geographically far from you, loves your heart. I cry and laugh in just about every post, often at the same time- I often relate deeply and send much love and sincere prayers into eternity…to the Throne of Love and Grace, for you and yours.

  14. I so relate. I usually insist on clothes every day but I’ve declared 2 pj days already this week. I’m in a funk and its hard to get going or do much.

    I know it will pass but its a struggle in the moment.

  15. […] will start by saying, 2018 was the hardest year of my life.  And no, no one died, we are safe and well.  However, I was struck hard with the grief of loss […]

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