https://sacredgroundstickyfloors.com/2016/10/03/i-didnt-know-you-were-trying-to-get-pregnant/
Stuff I Wish You'd Quit Saying

Stuff I Wish You’d Quit Saying: I Didn’t Know You’re Trying To Get Pregnant

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Stuff I Wish You’d Quit Saying: I Didn’t Know You Were Trying to Get Pregnant!?!?!

Okay, Saturday I said there were no rules…  I lied.

Basically, same as last year, stuff I wish you’d quit saying – anything about reproduction.

  1. Yes, I know what causes this, I have some crazy good home videos. Would you like to see them? Or is this already awkward enough? No? Fine… yeah, my grocery bill is ridiculous. Are you done cracking yourself up yet?
  2. I stand by my statement, saying “OH, you ONLY have one?” is like beyond rude. “you only minimally sustain one life… bless you.” NO MORE TALKING. One is fun. One is a blessing. One is more than just.  Shut it; you have used up your words for the day.
  3. For the love of all, if you are trying to get pregnant, I don’t need to know that you are “trying really hard.” Cause see, now I pictured you trying really hard, and I can’t unsee it. Could you please pass the ketchup… she says without making eye contact.
  4. You didn’t choose natural childbirth, natural childbirth chose you. You may want an epidural, or a swimming pool in your living room, or squat in the woods. But you have MUCH less control than you can fathom – oh, and you will have even less control once the child erupts from your loins.  Just sayin’.
  5. We still NEVER ask someone when they are due. Unless you are delivering the head of the child in a bank, airport, elevator, taxi, or sporting event… DO NOT ASK SOMEONE WHEN THEY ARE DUE!!! And all the chubby girls say, “THANK YOU!”
  6. And new to the, “please stop saying reproduction lesson:” I DIDN’T EVEN KNOW YOU WERE TRYING TO GET PREGNANT!!!!

How is it possible I didn’t give you the schedule?!?!?!  What has gotten into me that I didn’t alert you to the private matter of sex and creation of life?!?!?!  You must not have signed up for my Sexcapade Newsletter. And darn it!  You missed the August issue; that had video highlights – and I was very tan.  Bummer.

Now remember, we all love babies. But babies are for hugging and talking to; there is NO BELLY TOUCHING. You wouldn’t come up and pat a woman’s breast and speak to it in baby talk. And if you would, get help before you get arrested.  No belly touching. You may pat the baby and talk to it when it is outside of the womb, assuming you’re not incarcerated for rubbing strangers inappropriately …  No touchy!

We are all going to get along much better if you will stay out of my womb and keep your hands to yourself.

May your floors be sticky and your calling ordained. Love, Jami

You must read!  Three things every Christian must quit saying!

You might also like:  “When are you due?” and Inflatable Swimming Pool Births  and my favorite!  An Open Letter to Mothers of Just One: Here is Your Problem

 

 

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16 Comments

  1. LOL I love it. When I was pregnant with my first I was mortified every time people tried to touch my belly, relatives, friends of relatives, total strangers…. when I mentioned it to my female relatives they laughed at me like I was crazy!
    And in response to “You have *6* kids???? don’t you know what causes that?” —–I’ve used the response, “yes, would you like a demonstration? My husband is here….” it’s always so much fun!

    1. jami_amerine says:

      BAhaha!!

  2. Eddith says:

    Another “favorite” of mine was “Haven’t you had that watermelon yet?”
    ‘…nooooo?….I still have 4 months to go, as I KNOW I mentioned last week…..”
    And people generally didn’t try patting my belly more than once — I had a really good flinch!

    1. jami_amerine says:

      Ha!

  3. Janette says:

    Thank you! I can still remember the sting I felt many years ago when someone at church said “oh, you don’t count, you only have one”. I was so stunned that I just walked away…. Let’s all try to think before we speak, please.

    1. jami_amerine says:

      That makes me FURIOUS. so rude. #momsofone

  4. Hi Jami!
    As a “just one” mom, I often “just” myself as in, “I have just the one.” Every time this slips past my lips I cringe. My son isn’t “just” anything. I minimize him and his experience, as well as my own when I do this. A “just” is an apology, or an excuse., as if I somehow failed to create a “real” family. I chose to have one child for a variety of reasons. I’d love if we could all embrace a new way to talk about families, or to ask questions in a way that respects the choices of others. I’m going to practice new ways to tell someone I have one child. I’ll also remind myself of the importance of thoughtful, respectful questions when it comes to questions of other people’s families. Thank you for the post!

    1. jami_amerine says:

      Thank you Angela. You are a favorite of mine. You have a beautiful grasp of the written word. Let me know how you decide to describe your beloved! I am sure he’s “just” fabulous! God bless you. ❤️

      1. Thanks Jami! Here’s a dialogue I imagine having the next chance I get:

        “Hi! Nice to meet you,” some lovely new person will say to me. “Do you have any kids?”
        “I do! A son, his name is Jack.”
        “Just the one?”
        “He’s the human child, but I also have a dog. And I named the trees in my backyard. Is that weird?”
        “No! Not weird at all. I call my car “Morpheus,” says my new friend.
        “Awesome,” I reply. “I love that name.”

        1. jami_amerine says:

          Crying laughing!!!

  5. TieceyKaye says:

    All of mine are foster-adopt kiddos. “Oh, couldn’t you have any real kids?” Nope, just these cardboard cutouts you see here.

    1. jami_amerine says:

      Oh girl. I am already working on that one… Claws come out!

  6. Sharon says:

    The last time I was pregnant was in 1978. You would think, surely, in this so politically correct world, people would get it, but it sounds like nothing has changed! Except the belly touching thing, that actually never happened to me and I have “just” four. As the parent of four amazing adult people, and there were days when I never thought these people would turn out so well, sometimes I wish I’d had one more!

  7. Such a cute post. I don’t know why but people were afraid to touch my belly. It was awesome because no one wants to be touched.
    Are you planning a natural birth. My second son was born at a birthing center and it was a special painful gift.

  8. […] might also like: I didn’t know you were trying to get pregnant? and Inflatable Birthing […]

  9. Kimberly Hall says:

    I have been trying to get pregnant for 6 years of been married. My husband and I have been seeing fertility specialist. We have done our best but no luck. My husband has a sperm count which goes up and down, the doctor has recommended him taking the Proceed supplement which he is doing over 3 years with no change in the situation .. I am was so confused until i contacted this powerful spiritual woman advised by my friend, so I contacted her and I told her all about my problem, so she agreed to help me, she prayed for me and she sent me some native herbal medicine, which i use, she told me to meet with my husband.. within a 2 weeks i used the medicine she sent me i was uneasy with my self, i started having morning sickness and hormonal changes. I immediately went to the my doctor and it was confirm that I was pregnant.. all thanks to Iya Basira for helping me and my family, i am now a proud mum of a baby boy… Do you need help of such kind then contact Iya Basira, she can definitely help you. this her email address [email protected]

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