Simply stated: Ugh.
When I say we didn’t sleep – we were up from 1:15-6:00 am with a raging lunatic toddler. What is that? Do little people not know the agony associated with this enormous gap in normal sleep habits? Granted, he was … gassy? Teething? Hates us? And everything we represent?
This much I do know. I need a donut. Or 12.
I was awake and at 5:00 a.m. I was talking to Jesus, but it wasn’t a “bible study.” It was a carnal cry for mercy. I am not making it to the gym – but I did go up and down the stairs 25 times last night. I did not yell…
When I could no longer trudge up the blasted staircase I let this young human in my bed. I did whisper, “If you slam your foot into my kidneys one more time I will be forced to kick you back.” I also confess, I said it through gritted teeth – with much malice, equivalent to yelling.
While we are on the subject of confession – This same menacing night stalker is in this new habit of confession during bad acts. Or indulging in self-induced timeouts immediately following bad acts. For example, he came into the bathroom, where I was attempting to conceal my dark circles, eating a pop-tart. He looks at me and says, “Mommy yook, I eating da pop-twart you said no for me to eat.”
What??? Later I found him in time out and I asked him what he was doing and he said, “You goes to gwet the bebe. I painted him gween. I stay here.”
What is the logic behind this? And how can I be perfect when I basically live with crazy people?
If you know that it’s wrong… why?
I know. I know. I know. And so in my quest for the perfect mom day I refer to Paul in his letter to the Romans:
“I do not understand myself, for I want to do what is right, but I don’t do it. Instead, I do what I hate.” (Romans 7:15) And I could say it’s fatigue induced maliciousness but an excuse is an excuse as a sin is a sin.
And like a certain toddler, currently on his third round of self-induced time-out, I am fully aware of what is good and what is not. And if Paul can’t do it, how can I possibly be expected to? And if the Word has all I need, should I use this as a free pass to a day off from seeking perfection?
“By no means!” Paul yells (see what I did there, he’s got a wealth of imperfections too.) “We are those who have died to sin; how can we continue to live in it?” (Romans 6:2)
And this I do not know… how to conquer sin, make it to the gym, not eat donuts… on literally NO sleep. This is my thorn. And I pray, and I plead. And I question whether I am praying for the right thing? It occurs to me I may need to pray that I can endure on no sleep rather than praying that the little people do sleep.
But this much I hold dear: His grace is sufficient.
And I maybe tired, and I may not make it to the gym. He that is in me will hold me up, help me that I might not stumble, and fill in the gaps where I am too weary to walk. All the while hoping someday, there will be rest.
And donuts and Starbucks in heaven.
May your floors be sticky and your calling ordained. Love, Jami
“We are those who have died to sin; how can we continue to live in it?” Romans 6:2
Have you read Fayrene’s Love Story?