"Natural" Childbirth: Anniversary Edition 
Parenting

“Natural” Childbirth: Anniversary Edition 

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I am old. This is what the new batch of our babies have to look forward to. They have an old mom. And she’s way behind the times. They will to go school with kids that were birthed into swimming pools… In their living rooms!  Y’all can’t fathom, this will be a generation of children who expect big things. In my day an inflatable pool meant PARTY. If you let your newborn arrive on the planet into an inflatable swimming pool in your living room…  you are setting a standard for lifelong entertainment demands.

Am I new? I am just hearing about this. I saw the Duggars doing “natural” deliveries in a bath tub… I still say that is a stretch. Probably the least natural occurrence that has happened to my body was childbirth. The most beautiful gift of life I have experienced? Adoption. I highly recommend it. In all fairness, I think the only women that can declare they “naturally” delivered their children are the woman that do it in a hut or rice paddy… and the occasional delivery in an elevator or taxi cab. So the other day I was at Target, buying diapers, and this VERY pregnant young woman says, “Ma’am, do you know where they keep the inflatable birthing pools?”

Not only do I not know where these are, I am not entirely sure what she’s talking about.

“Um, I am sorry? Maybe, lawn and garden?”

This gets me laughed at and pitied. “Oh! You don’t know what I mean?” Eye roll, giggle, arm pat and an implied ‘you stupid old lady.’ “An inflatable birthing pool is a pool you blow up so you can birth your baby naturally in your home. The baby simply floats from the birthing canal into the water.”

There’s a number of comments I would LOVE to make at this point… starting with “simply floats from the birthing canal?” and ending with “do you blow up the pool? Like with your Lamaze breathing?” Instead I say, “try pushing that red button for an associate.” I say associate instead of worker so I don’t look so stupid. This is wasted on her. She waddles over and pushes the button and I decide to loiter. Target has everything, but this, I gotta see.

So the rest of the conversation went like this:

Associate: Can I help you?

Preggo: I am looking for a pink inflatable birthing pool.

Associate: We don’t carry those in the store. I think you’d have to go online.

Preggo: Well I am due any day!?!? I don’t know if I have time to order one.

Associate: (blank stare) Okay… did you look in sporting goods? We may have some inflatable wading pools back there, let me run back there and look…

Preggo: (to me) Well, I am surprised they don’t carry these, everyone is moving toward natural childbirth. Do you have children?

I pray, Jesus, allow me to find out this woman’s name and social security number so I can make sure my child is never in the same school district as this woman’s spawn.

Me: Yes, seven.

Preggo: What!?! SEVEN? Did you deliver naturally?

Me: Naturally? Into an inflatable pool? No.

Preggo: You didn’t use drugs did you?!?!

Me: Recreationally? Once in college, but not really. But I had an epidural.

Preggo: OH MY GOSH! That’s not good for babies! Are your children okay?

Me: Define okay?

I get the eye roll again.

Associate returns…

Associate: Ma’am, we have an inflatable Elmo pool?

Preggo: Pink?

Associate: No, just Elmo.

Preggo: Grrrr! I need pink. I had a dream I gave birth in a pink birthing pool!

Associate: I am sorry ma’am that is all we have.

Preggo: Ridiculous!

She storms/waddles off. Associate and I are left staring at each other. We have no words for this encounter.

Me: Clearly, her mother had an epidural when she delivered her.

Associate: Can you come with me to the break room? Cause no one is going to believe me.

They didn’t believe me either.

May your floors be sticky and your calling ordained…  oh and your children well entertained!  ❤ Love, Jami

Have you read TIPS FOR BETTER PARENTING??

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11 Comments

  1. When I taught childbirth classes in the 80s we called it “prepared childbirth”. Natural childbirth is great great grandma screaming as she hung onto the bed post or, as you said, the rice patty hut Momma.

    I fear your friend at Target is going for a very unnatural experience and she’s not very prepared either!

    1. jami_amerine says:

      Haha!

  2. Carolyn says:

    Still one of my favorites!

  3. Rebecca says:

    Oh…my….goodnesss! THAT is HYSTERICAL! The story, your delivery (of the story), made my day! Definitely one of my favorites!

    1. jami_amerine says:

  4. Priceless! My last boss and I used to say “you just can’t make this stuff up” when we encountered bizarre customer situations!
    I did manage to deliver my son 31 years ago naturally which did not include inflatable pools

  5. Tina K says:

    That pregnant “special snowflake” is in for a very rude awakening (and a world of HURT) when she goes into labor. I think I sprained my ocular muscles with the eye-rolling I did as I read her comments! Thanks for sharing this with your readers!

    1. jami_amerine says:

      Thanks friend!

  6. I’ve had two lovely homebirths in birthing pools… which I did NOT buy at Target. But we don’t have a swimming pool for entertainment purposes, so birthing babies is the only purpose my kids are familiar with for inflatable pools.

    My babies also did not “simply float from the birthing canal;” one of them was face up and it nearly took the jaws of life to get him out… The other one was much nicer to me, but took a fair amount of effort which involved a primal mama roar that had my husband referring to me as the MGM lion.

    1. jami_amerine says:

      Ha!

  7. Hilarious story!

    I have 5 children. Three were water births. They were definitely easier births than the two that weren’t. Unfortunately no one floated out of the birth canal – that would have made it all the better. Lots of work – they don’t call it labour for nothing!

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