If you give a good Christian woman a cookie…
She will ponder her existence in Jesus.
For if she is one with Jesus, she won’t need the cookie. She only needs Jesus.
However, if you give a Christian woman and cookie, and it is chocolate chip… homemade, and it is still a little warm, and she really wants that cookie, she may eat it. And then, bathe in contempt.
But, then she will remember, there is no condemnation in Jesus Christ, so she has four more.
And then, she recounts, that while everything is indeed permissible, not all is beneficial. So, she immediately goes to the gym and does 45 minutes on the treadmill.
She leaves the gym feeling absolved.
Absolution makes her question her motives.
Her motives, which were eating the cookie she was given, for the satisfaction for which she craved, were of the flesh. So, she went and burned off the calories, so she wouldn’t gain a pound, which was also of the flesh. The pardon she felt having burned off the calories, from the cookie she was given, manifested pride.
Pride is not from Jesus, and now she is back to square one, and she really wants another cookie.
If you give a good Christian woman a warm chocolate chip cookie, her heart is divided between the flesh and the spirit. If she was a “really good” Christian woman, she would have never eaten the cookie or the four that followed. In turn, she wouldn’t have self-righteously, gone to the gym to burn off the calories, to look good, and further sinned by bathing in her vanity and want of looking like her tiny neighbor.
If you give a good Christian woman a warm chocolate chip cookie and she eats it and four more and then goes to the gym to burn it off, she starts to covet women smaller than her, with smoother thinner thighs, and flat tummies. And coveting is not from Jesus.
In a frenzy of shame, she eats three more cookies.
But one of the cookies had chocolate chips that look eerily like the Virgin Mary. And she wants to notify the media, perhaps to get famous, but she already ate it, and now there is no proof the cookie may have bore the image of the Immaculata. Now, she has guilt for having eaten more cookies, shame for wanting fame, humiliation for having scarfed down the face of the Blessed Mother, and disorientation from a blood sugar spike.
Also, she must go back to the gym.
At the gym, she does 30 minutes on the elliptical. She promises herself she won’t eat any more cookies. She agrees that she is not there as penance, she is there because her body is a temple, and the Lord dwells there. Also, what might have been a sacred cookie, that may or may not have bore an image alerting the world to the end of times. She convinces herself that the end of times will not be marked by a cookie with the face of Jesus’ mother outlined in chocolate chips.
Just in case she is wrong, about everything, she does 43 sit-ups.If you give a good Christian woman a warm chocolate chip #cookie @OprahClick To Tweet
Because she doesn’t believe she can actually work off her sin, she would now like to confess the 43rd sit up didn’t really happen, it was more like a whimper and a cramp.
If you give a good Christian woman a warm chocolate chip cookie and she eats 7 more, makes two trips to the gym, and recounts every fallacy about religion and Jesus she has ever known or been taught, she will sit in her car in the Walmart parking lot and cry. Then she will make a grocery list that will somehow bring her to a place of peace. It is most likely Paleo, Keto, or Atkins. It has no flour or sugar. Also, no artificial sweeteners or preservatives, GMO’s, and of course, from now on, she will only buy organic.
Organic is from Jesus.
If you give a good Christian woman a warm chocolate chip cookie and she eats 7 more, makes two trips to the gym, and recounts every fallacy about religion and Jesus she has ever known or been taught, sits in her car in the Walmart parking lot and cries, then shops with her self-righteous list and sticks to it completely, until she realizes she is over budget… she cannot afford all organic.
And bread is on sale.
If she buys bread, lots of it, she can expand her grocery budget. That is what the Proverbs 31 woman did. And she is kind of like her, well, not really but she is a woman on a budget, and they have that in common. Also, she got up early this morning and sold a pair of jeans that were too small for her on eBay.
Jeans that were too small because of too many dadblasted cookies.
And now, she’s cursed.
So, if you give a good Christian woman a warm chocolate chip cookie and she eats 7 more, she makes two trips to the gym, and recounts every fallacy about religion and Jesus she has ever known or been taught, sits in her car in the Walmart parking lot and cries, shops with her self-righteous list and sticks to it completely, until she realizes she is over budget… and cannot afford all organic, changes her mind and buys bread, recounts what she has in common with the Proverbs 31 woman, self-deprecates the size of her jeans, and then uses a made-up curse word in a “good” Christian blog post.
Then, she will remember… Jesus was the bread of life.
Bread is from Jesus. And cookies are kind of like bread. They both have flour in them.
Ugh, but man cannot live on bread alone.
So, she drives through Starbucks, and orders a cookie and a Skinny Mocha, extra hot, with whip cream. Because then the cookie, which is kind of like bread, is not alone.
Deep down, she’s sure that scripture wasn’t indicating the bread was alone. But that’s not the point.
Later that night, when the kids are in bed and the dishwasher hums, she will remember the cookie that started the madness that lead to this place where she cannot decipher baked goods from the will of God. Certainly, it was just a cookie, or seven, wait… eight. But in the mind of a Christian woman, it is the catalyst for the enemy to take her to the dark places, where cookies equate to her salvation and the safety of her children, the strength of her marriage, and the depth of her beliefs.
Quietly she sits and waits for answers she tried to manifest. Somewhere in the darkness, she hears Him.
“It was just a cookie love. Grace to you in all you do. Also, that wasn’t the face of my mother, although it did bear a striking resemblance to Oprah. Go get some sleep, nothing can separate you from me. Certainly not a cookie… or cookies. Calm down, look to me, you’re doing just fine.”
With heartburn and a heart full she drifts off to sleep and dreams of heaven, and cookies.
If you give a “good” Christian woman a warm chocolate chip cookie, she will continue to seek, know, and love her God… but somedays she may want a second.
May your floor be sticky and your calling ordained. Love, Jami
For I am sure that neither death nor life, nor angels nor rulers, nor things present nor things to come, nor powers, nor height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord. Romans 8:38-39
You might also like: Crockpot Confessions
And my AWESOME Chocolate Chip Cookie Recipe!