My Shiny Pet Rock: Sin I Love to Hate
My sin, this thing, this terrible thing that I have struggled with for years, is something I cannot seem to shake.
So what is a girl to do?
I did what any good church-going gal would do. I signed up for every single bible study, every retreat, and any and every special session. All the things, I believed would help me finally understand why I don’t do what I like, but instead, do what I hate.
Among my friends and acquaintances, I was known for my devotion to the study. The study of that which they believed was an adoration for my God, but in reality was a desperate attempt to finally break free.
Bible Study Sister.
A Proverbs-31 woman.
I did all the things. The things that were suggested, the things I believed were essential to 1. Freedom. 2. Worthiness.
Yes you understood, I believed I must earn my salvation, and when I finally achieved this worthiness, maybe then I would be able to overcome this thing. The thing, the thing that I cannot seem to get over, that I cannot leave behind.
Perfection evades me. As much as I love order and perfection, I love this … this monster I call my sin.
What would I do with my time, with my mind, if not for the sin I tend to?
So back I went to my studies, with my highlighters, fancy pens and markers. The bible bag I carry with all my tools has a fancy cross embroidered on the front. My fancy bag is decorated with pins asking “what would Jesus do?” But as much as I study, as much as having memorized, I swear.. I do not know.
I did not know what Jesus would do.
And I could not figure out how to be just like Him.
Truth be told, no matter how much I dedicated to the study of my sin, the sin was all I knew. And then a friend brought this to my attention.
I was a classic case of a Christian with a sin god.
A Christian who knew about Jesus, but did not know Jesus.
The weight of this truth? I was undone. This was my reality; I was a worshipper of my sin and I polished it and put a lovely glaze on it, and I kept it close to my heart.
Grief… I knew my sin better than I knew the lamb who died to save me from it.
Oh, but I was slain, my sin focus kept me from my Lord. The things I chased after, peace, patience, hope, restoration evaded me simply because my focus was on my sin and not on Jesus.
Not on Jesus.
Not on Jesus… the depths of this were all at once heartbreaking and a relief.
The heartbreak? That I had missed out on Him.
The relief? That perhaps, just maybe He was everything He promised.
Peace, joy, hope, healing, freedom… restoration.
I fixed my eyes on Jesus.
I threw my sin, my shiny and well tended to pet rock, into the sea. How far is the east is from the west? Neither He nor I could find it.
I never missed it.
I walk in the favor of the Lord. He died to free me, to save me. And if you are free, you are free indeed.
If you are saved?
You shall not perish.
The sin was a mess to worship, this God, His ways are perfect.
May your floors be sticky and your calling ordained. Love, Jami
You have been set free from sin and have become slaves to righteousness. Romans 6:18
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