Our oldest man-baby just joined the Marines, as a combat engineer.
The fact that I typed that just now without having had a Xanax is proof there is a God… and He does in fact, move in mysterious ways.
From the moment I first held John, the enemy went to work terrorizing me over the boy’s well-being.
During his delivery, his heart stopped beating three times. In an effort to ease his irregular heartbeat, I was given a sedative. Having had an epidural, I went to sleep. I woke to find my OBGYN sitting in the chair next to me.
Later, I would learn he’d been there over an hour… worried.
Our baby boy John, who will leave for basic training to become a Marine in March, is nearly 6’4” – yet he was my smallest baby. It was believed he was deaf until he was nearly one, at which time it was determined he most likely had an audio processing disorder.
I would homeschool him and work tirelessly to teach him to read. He struggled with Dyslexia. He was altogether too nice – so kind and sweet. I would sit at the foot of his bed and cry and toil… worried.
Last night about 1:15 I got an alert on my phone from Amazon. One of the gifts that I ordered has been delayed and won’t be here until after Christmas. I thought about this for a moment and then rolled over and went to sleep. This again is proof, there is a God.
I remember this morning, a Christmas about 17 years ago when we were utterly broke. We had not purchased a single gift and Christmas was three days away. I cried. I stressed. My husband and I fought. I spent every ounce of energy I had… worried.
And I have done this every year since to some degree or another. Money, logistics, family turmoil, dry turkey, unset pies, undelivered gifts, secrets revealed, stuffing recipes, a lack of chestnuts roasting on a flame that wouldn’t ignite, or the absence of Jack Frost… because it was 85 degrees outside.
I have been most committed to one aspect of my faith above all else, fear. I would sit and pray, fast, and beg God to heal me of this and when He did not I counted it up to the belief I was unloved and unworthy or so I… worried.
It has only been since August that I have come into His rest and been set free from this long time stress. And I am happy to reveal the key to my success. Although, it is embarrassing to admit – I suspect so many people are in bondage to the same belief, a belief in a wrathful God.
I have sat in the pews and listened for hours… hell fires, brimstone, and death. I have memorized scriptures… cut out your eye, cut off your hand, do not … don’t ever… or else. And then I have gone to work on my shortcomings. I have obsessed over where I have gone wrong. I studied my sin, I talked about it, I analyzed it, confessed it, and started over again on Monday.
And when I failed, when I knew I lost again, I would go before a terrifying God and ask Him to help me and wait for His response… worried.
It’s excruciating to admit that this is who I believed Him to be. I operated very hard to make Him be nice to me and I lied and said I believed He was good.
But a good Father doesn’t hand out brain tumors or cause car wrecks or kill naïve Marines who want to save the world.
A good Father loves.
A good Father protects.
A good Father saves.
And I have learned He moves how He moves and He saves how He saves… and all He asks of me is to believe.
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And when I realized my belief was all that was required, I saw for the first time He wasn’t mad. He didn’t have bad teeth and a wicked laugh. No sacrifice was needed to appease Him or harness His wrath. And He set me free from the terrified fetal-position that I had grown accustomed to… worried.
This year I am most relaxed. I am most certain of His loving kindness. What God would give up His only Son as a covenant to me and you to reconcile EVERYTHING so that we could be with Him for an eternity?
A Father that loves.
A Father that protects.
A Father that saves.
This is the God that I love. And this is the God that I trust with my future Marine, illness, poverty, delayed packages and a life of ruin He DID NOT MANIFEST. A God who came to heal the broken-hearted and grant a peace beyond all understanding so that I might never spend another moment… worried.
Be free to believe friend. Speak goodness and mercy into the empty places in your life and then believe that He is good.
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The Blood worked.
Grace is the consequence.
Eternity is the prize.
Philippians 4:8 (MSG) “Summing it all up, friends, I’d say you’ll do best by filling your minds and meditating on things true, noble, reputable, authentic, compelling, gracious-the best, not the worst; the beautiful, not the ugly; things to praise, not things to curse.
May your floors be sticky and your Amazon orders all be on time. Love, Jami
Check out my sister’s blog on the FREEDOM OF GRACE! SheSatDown.org
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