Stuff I Wish You’d Quit Saying: What’s wrong with you?
What’s wrong with me?
Where should I start?
What is wrong with me? Ok, you asked for it.
I know my husband only means well. I know he wants me to be happy and at peace; that things are balanced with me. For the most part, I hold it together adequately. I love him. I love our life and home, and I am grateful that God dwells in us and our family. However, I am in charge of pants, bodily functions, and stain removal. I have a graduate degree. I didn’t major in nonsense, yet this is my specialty.
Our youngest resident can only say one word.
She yells, “Bosco!”
Bosco is our Rat Terrier-Pekingese-Basset hound. He weighs about 18 pounds. He is small and ugly. But he is a sweet dog and a great companion.
The child whose only word is “Bosco!” hates Bosco. She is terrified of him. Yet, because she can holler Bosco – she does – and then Bosco obediently comes to her… and she cries hysterically. I shoo Bosco away, dry her eyes, and then…
She yelps, “BOSCO!”
And he comes back.
And we do it all again.
This insanity is an excellent metaphor for my life.
Pandemonium. Lunacy. Exponential nonsense on any given day.
What’s wrong with me?
Well, you asked for it…
I was up at 4 am drinking coffee with our two-year-old son. Cause that is what time he gets up and demands “COOPPEE.” By 8 am he was passed out while watching “PEN-guns” or as the four-year-old calls them, “Ice chickens dat we all love.” If I turn off the extraordinary ice chickens, the screaming and crying will start, and yes them… and me.
I try not to cry before lunch, I am a glass is half full kind of gal.
By 8:05 a.m. I was on cup 6 of java… I had heartburn and my kidneys were in revolt. It would be well after 3 pm before I got to pee. I was on hold with the student financial services office. They claimed my call would be answered in the order it was received, but luckily there were only 216 callers ahead of me. Meanwhile, the manbabies were texting repeatedly, “My student account is locked????”
I got the accounts unlocked, and the payment on their accounts applied, meanwhile I had pinched a nerve in my neck, burned mac n’ cheese, the tween hates me because we are out of lemon yogurt and she wants bangs. And then… I received a text alert from the bank warning me the clearance of the college bill made my account overdrawn… -$666.00.
That’s right I was $666 overdrawn.
I text the hubs, “something is terribly wrong with our checking account, we are $666 overdrawn!?!?!”
He responds “Did you know it was that bad????”
Mark of the Beast bad? No. I had no idea it was a mark of the beast banking bad.
An hour later, the littles were waking from their nap. I was on the phone with the bank trying to figure out why Bezzalabub was interfering with our funds. It is at this time I realized I had only had coffee all day and I’m still in my pajamas. At 3:40 pm I look out the window to find the vandals, our toddler sons, buck naked for the 15th time today.
Why I bother to get them dressed is a mystery, yet… a girl can only look at penises so many times in any given day without losing her mind.
One hour later, vandals are still naked, tween still hates me, manbabies can charge on university accounts and banking balance is no longer an omen and I don’t need an Ouija board to reconcile; unfortunately I am still in my pajamas – and I have yet to eat anything.
So, what is wrong with me?
These are just a few clues in the mystery of what is wrong with me. You might laugh at this, it made me cry, but not until 8:30 in the evening, so that goal was met!
I would expand, “What did you do today?” is just as irritating.
Don’t make me rehash it.
Don’t make me have to say it out loud.
I have to try and get enormous amounts of cheese out of the electric teapot now… that is really all you need know.
May your floors be sticky and your calling ordained. Love, Jami
Psalm 16:7-8 (MSG) “The wise counsel GOD gives when I’m awake is confirmed by my sleeping heart. Day and night I’ll stick with GOD; I’ve got a good thing going and I’m not letting go.”
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