Okay, Saturday I said there were no rules… I lied.
Basically, same as last year, stuff I wish you’d quit saying – anything about reproduction.
- Yes, I know what causes this, I have some crazy good home videos. Would you like to see them? Or is this already awkward enough? No? Fine… yeah, my grocery bill is ridiculous. Are you done cracking yourself up yet?
- I stand by my statement, saying “OH, you ONLY have one?” is like beyond rude. “you only minimally sustain one life… bless you.” NO MORE TALKING. One is fun. One is a blessing. One is more than just. Shut it; you have used up your words for the day.
- For the love of all, if you are trying to get pregnant, I don’t need to know that you are “trying really hard.” Cause see, now I pictured you trying really hard, and I can’t unsee it. Could you please pass the ketchup… she says without making eye contact.
- You didn’t choose natural childbirth, natural childbirth chose you. You may want an epidural, or a swimming pool in your living room, or squat in the woods. But you have MUCH less control than you can fathom – oh, and you will have even less control once the child erupts from your loins. Just sayin’.
- We still NEVER ask someone when they are due. Unless you are delivering the head of the child in a bank, airport, elevator, taxi, or sporting event… DO NOT ASK SOMEONE WHEN THEY ARE DUE!!! And all the chubby girls say, “THANK YOU!”
And new to the, “please stop saying reproduction lesson:” I DIDN’T EVEN KNOW YOU WERE TRYING TO GET PREGNANT!!!!
How is it possible I didn’t give you the schedule?!?!?! What has gotten into me that I didn’t alert you to the private matter of sex and creation of life?!?!?! You must not have signed up for my Sexcapade Newsletter. And darn it! You missed the August issue; that had video highlights – and I was very tan. Bummer.
Now remember, we all love babies. But babies are for hugging and talking to; there is NO BELLY TOUCHING. You wouldn’t come up and pat a woman’s breast and speak to it in baby talk. And if you would, get help before you get arrested. No belly touching. You may pat the baby and talk to it when it is outside of the womb, assuming you’re not incarcerated for rubbing strangers inappropriately … No touchy!
We are all going to get along much better if you will stay out of my womb and keep your hands to yourself.
May your floors be sticky and your calling ordained. Love, Jami
You might also like: “When are you due?” and Inflatable Swimming Pool Births and my favorite! An Open Letter to Mothers of Just One: Here is Your Problem