No one would believe me, mom-life, is not a joke.
“So, what did you do today?” He asked with such minimalism.
Physically I couldn’t keep up with my dear husband. Once, in an effort to gain his attention to break for lunch, two of his employees form tackled him. He moves like he is trying out for the mile in the next Olympic races. When my husband comes home from work he is most often soaked to the bone. His Wranglers stretched and sodden with sweat, the only thing keeping them around his trim waist is the belt he has tightened 3 notches since he left that morning.
I am not wearing a belt. But, sometime after lunch, I switched from my large stretchy pants to my extra-large stretchy pants.
That’s another story.
For just a moment I stare and blink. I am still in here. I can’t give him the truth?
“I uh…” I stall.
“Hello?” he inquires.
I know I must answer quickly lest he think I am entertaining gentlemen callers or staring mindlessly at soap operas all day while eating cream cheesecake frosting out of the can.
There is the simple, “Oh chased the vandals,” our two and four-year-old sons. And then there is the truth. Which would knock him into a fetal position under the coffee table. He would probably refuse to come out from under the protective cover.
My brain stalled.
And then, I unleashed my day. It was like a scene from The Exorcist. Once the floodgates opened… there was no going back.
“I put up a blog post about the size of my breasts and had coffee. Charlie woke first, I gave him a cup of orange juice and a baggie of goldfish crackers and then I set up my Tweets for the day on Hootsuite. Then Sam got up and he and Charlie vandalized the toilet. I plunged it to no avail. You’ll have to look at it. Then they went outside. I found them being swarmed by bees. I grabbed my Epi-pen and rushed to them. Sam got stung.
After I treated his wound I made French toast for them. They wanted pancakes and I said they were pancakes but then I accidentally called it French toast and they lost their minds. I did my bible study online with my friends from Purposeful Faith. I lied to them. So, I just listened to their answers and then followed along. Then I had more coffee. And hid in the bathroom and cried. I held a mirror under Sophie’s nose to make sure she was actually breathing. How can teens sleep so long through so much noise?
The bees were gone so I took the vandals out to swim and there was a huge field rat in the pool. I got it out and before it could recover and run Charlie grabbed it by its tail and threw it back in the pool. They jumped in the pool 9000 times and then I took them in and gave them a bath. They screamed and cried like I was trying to kill them. Why is bath water upsetting and pool water isn’t?”
I did not give hubby time to answer.
“Sam was flailing and smacked his face on the side of the tub causing his nose to bleed, which in turn made him throw up on Charlie. After I cleaned that up, I had more coffee. Then the baby woke up and had blown out her diaper so I got her clean, changed her sheets and started the laundry.
Once that was going I made the beds, swept and mopped the kitchen and then frantically tried to find the vandals, who had escaped and were in the sandbox. I moved my computer outside with the baby in her stroller. A gust of wind caught the stroller and sent it off the edge of the porch toward the 91-acre-field. After I heroically saved her life we moved back inside and watched Little Einsteins and I had more coffee and filled out online applications for student aid for the man babies. Sam fell down the stairs and his nose started bleeding again. Then my sister came over to watch the vandals and the baby while I did an interview for a podcast and then I edited a chapter and paid bills…”
As I inhaled, Justin took the opportunity to stop me.
“OK! Uh, ok. I get it. Wow. Let’s watch Seinfeld.”
“But, I am not done?” I begged. “That was just up until 8:15 this morning? Don’t you want to hear about the broken car headlight? Or the banking dilemma?
Once the tween got up I learned that Taylor Swift and Kim Kardashian are in this huge fight because Kanye’s new song is totally dissing Taylor. Oh! And can you believe this mess with Justin Bieber and Selena Gomez? They both need to move on, but he did find Jesus and got this itty bitty tattoo of a cross on the side of his face. So sweet!
And I didn’t tell you about the mean people that Maggie waited on at lunch? Or the phone call from the man baby’s academic advisor? Or the other man baby’s car trouble? Don’t you want to hear about the thing I found under the bed? I think it is alive? National Geographic is coming tomorrow to photograph it? And we had a surprise inspection from CPS? And I need to tell you about the mouse traps, they have all been feasted on? But there is no dead mouse!”
“No! I mean, no, you just sit. I will get you a glass of wine.” He stood and handed me the remote.
Hmmm. All those years of sparing him the gory details had caught up with me. And this is the result?
I get wine? And the remote?
I share this tale with you in cautionary fashion. I don’t think they can handle the truth every single day… but it is nice to know, every once in a while… it is good for them to hear the whole truth. And nothing but.
May your floors be sticky and your calling ordained. Love, Jami
A good woman is hard to find,
and worth far more than diamonds.
Her husband trusts her without reserve
and never has reason to regret it. Proverbs 31:10